Syren's Song

New Life as a Student

2012-02-04T16:14:00.002+11:00

Well, the first steps have been taken. The excitement on receiving a letter of offer in response to my admission application has worn off. The enrollment is done and I am now officially a student. Books have been ordered - I just hope they arrive before teaching starts. Now I am just nerves, nerves and more nerves.

2012, here I come

2012-01-17T15:27:00.000+11:00

Couldn't resist this image

Happy New Year! If I can still be saying that at this late stage of January. Let us hope that 2012 will shine as an outstandingly good and happy year for us all.

Those that are in the business of prophesy, scrying, card reading etc have promised a year of great changes. Well, the year has certainly started that way for me. I have made a decision that, had you told me a month ago, I would have thought you mad.

Having been disappointed in my attempts to gain even an interview let alone employment (despite what I think is a very good resume), I have decided (cue drum roll) to go to uni. I understand from the media that I am not alone in changing careers at this seemingly late stage. I'm hoping to enroll in a combined Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Teaching course but am yet to hear whether my application for admission has been accepted. I should know by Friday - fingers crossed.

OMG! A fortnight of trawling the internet, of hair tearing and gnashing of teeth over poorly designed websites and worrying over my application and all I end up with is one tiny paragraph. *sigh* The bureaucratic hoops that have to be jumped through are enough to put all but the most fervent future student off study forever and I admit that the Centrelink application form for Austudy was sufficient to bring me to tears. I dare say that it won't be the last time either.

"Why be happy when you can be normal?"

2012-01-17T14:06:00.002+11:00

There's a book I want to buy. It's author is Jeanette Winterson and I've borrowed its title for this post. Despite the recommendations made by friends, I have never read any of her work......that is until today. An edited extract appeared in the magazine section of today's paper and it was this question that struck a chord. Except that I would (and have) asked it the other way around "Why be normal when you can be happy?"

It was this question that had me leave the corporate world and Sydney and move to a little town in regional NSW where no-one looks askance at hippies, ferals or any other non-normal person. Art and music proliferate and there is a grass roots movement to a more positive, sustainable, community centred approach to life. Yes, it's all very idealistic and the competition for who has the biggest income/superannuation fund/house etc has been replaced with who has the most sustainable lifestyle, who buys the most organic and how big your permaculture vegie patch is and whether you have your own chooks*.......(sigh) Nevertheless, I am happier here than I ever was in the city, wearing the corporate uniform and playing the role (which I think I did quite well) while in my quiet moments I felt lonely, out of place and living a lie. I wanted to grow my hair long and let it knot into dreads (not that I did), I wanted to wear tie-dye dresses and leave my face devoid of make-up, throw my basic black courts in the bin and run barefoot and wild along beaches and take dips in almost pristine creeks and feel that I had found my "tribe". To an extent I have succeeded.

So it saddened me the other day when I went shopping for an interview outfit to find, despite my stated intent to buy bright and colourful clothes that could pass for appropriate office wear, myself back in the corporate uniform and immediately feeling the heaviness and dread from memories of that earlier time.

Colourful is, I suppose, another word that could be used to describe this town - most of the time. As a result of visioning workshops run by Transition Bellingen we now have a new festival. One to celebrate the river that runs through our town. It was held last Saturday, a perfect Spring day. There were canoe races, entertainers, musicians, storytellers, interactive circus for the children and in the evening there was a loy krathong ceremony (which, unfortunately, we missed) and lantern parade led by carnivale style drummers and dancers. We had a great day and I for one hope they hold it again next year

(This post was meant to be put up in October 2011)

*Chickens, for those not up with Aussie slang. Googs are what they lay, (Don't ask, I have no idea.)

Too Long

2011-09-26T16:35:00.000+10:00

I'm sitting here wondering what to write and how to write it given that it's been such a long time since I visited here - you can blame facebook for that. There seems so much to write about but where to start. Like when you catch up with a friend after a year or two and you both know a lot has happened but to encapsulate that in a phone call or over a cup of tea seems impossible. How on earth do you tell them what has happened whilst also conveying all the emotion and meaning held in those events. Or do you just list the things that happened and hope your friend knows you well enough to understand what you went through? Then there are all the little day to day things that make up the year that still add to the journey - like...... the plant you put in last year that has finally decided to bloom or...... learning that it just isn't smart to feed the cat from a china bowl after she woke you at 2am when somehow she managed to smash it even though it was already on the floor....and remembering what sleep deprivation is like when you have to drag yourself from a warm bed to sit with your child at midnight because of a thunderstorm for the second night in a row....or the not so small and quite stressful event of having the landlord "prune" with chainsaw many of the trees that had, so far, provided you privacy (even if it is lovely to have sunshine in the living room). Given that everyone I know seems to have had at least one upheaval this year it shouldn't come as any surprise that we too have had our share.

Okay, so....... Ian has lost his job. Now this sounds a very straight forward thing to say and yes it is but the convoluted path to that outcome started a couple of years ago and much as I would have liked Ian to have walked away from that path, his commitment to the people he worked with would not allow him to do so. Without boring you all to tears with the nitty-gritty, suffice to say that I will never work for a management committee nor recommend doing so to my worst enemy. Having done all he thought possible, he accepted legal advice and allowed things to proceed as they did. Needless to say there are ongoing legal matters associated with his dismissal which I find draining when really I'd like a clean break and to be away from such a toxic environment. We are okay at the moment with the termination payout but that is going to run out soon. Luckily we have a social security safety net that should stop us becoming homeless but I'm hoping Ian will be able to find work soon before we have to resort to "rice and lentil dinners" and candlelight. We've discussed him going back to geology. He gave this up to stay home and help with Huon when it became clear that being autistic, Huon was going to need more and quite different support to a non-autistic child especially when, at the time, we had no label for Huon's behaviour and it was all very stressful and scary. Now Huon is older, talking, going to school and manageable-ish, Ian feels he could go back to fly-in fly-out (fifo) jobs where he might work 10 days on and 5 off or something.All this also means that I must relinquish my role of lady of leisure and look for the perfect job (hahaha) - you know, in school hours with school holidays off and time off to be with Huon when he's home with flu - the same as every other mum.....I wonder what's around the corner.

In the meantime I have put my singing coach on hold but I'm still singing (I'd go mad....er if I didn't) and am continuing with bellydancing..... for the the moment.

But let's stay with singing......picture a small informal soiree at a friend's house to welcome the installation of her new grand piano. The sun has set and the lights are gently illuminating the room. My small selection of songs has been sung (phew) and enthusiastically received (I love my friends), the piano quartet are setting up for their part of the programme when, for no apparent reason, the power goes out. This is exactly what happened back in July. What would have been just a pleasant evening of music turned into a fun memorable event. Having checked the circuit breakers the search was on for candles and torches - we were not about to pack up and go home. Now instead of being one of the audience, there I was with torch held high so the violinist could read her music. Ditto other "audience" members for the remainder of the ensemble.

a little too dark to see

I was so busy reading the music so the torchlight was shining on the correct page, I don't even remember whether they played well or not. The power came back on just as we had all packed up and were about to tuck in to homemade pizza, salad and red wine. What a night!

I have promised my cousin in the UK I would record Panis Angelicus for her wedding anniversary so am trying to organise that. I had been imagining a string ensemble in one of the local old (for Australia) stone churches - video as well as sound - but all that is going to be far too expensive now. I'll have to make do with piano accompaniment in a recording studio and no video - sorry Sarah.

This term I have been learning Tribal bellydance which is improvised troupe dancing. I've been having so much fun but now our teacher wants us to dance at Relay for Life - in public!!!! PANIC. I've been avoiding thinking about it even when we had a tribal bra making workshop. I was able to just concentrate on choosing bits of fabric and coins and decorative chains and fringes and......mmm being sort of creative and I succeeded in pushing the other thing to the back of my mind. However, the closer this performance gets the more frequently the lurker is jumping, no, more like pouncing to the front of my mind and sending my heart thumping and drying up my mouth. I really hate performing when things are under-rehearsed. Now, I know I said this was improvised dance but there are sequences and signals for those sequences but bloody hell we've only just started learning them - it's going to be disastrous!!!! And I still haven't finished making the bra yet.

work in progress

A chance to get back in touch with my creative skills occurred a couple of weeks earlier during Book Week. School had a favourite book character parade and as we had just had the Harry Potter movies on tv Huon had HP on the brain (and no quips about brains and sauce please). Obviously, with red hair, Huon would make a far better Ron Weasley than a Harry. This was a good decision in the end as about ten Harry Potters participated in the parade but there was only one Ron Weasley. I can't take the credit entirely - Ian did a marvelous job gaffer taping a piece of bamboo for the wand and stuffing an old stocking to make Scabbers the rat. Grandmama printed off a picture of the Gryffindor badge which I laminated and Ian sewed (don't you just love a man who can sew) onto a black hoody. Even with the minimal notice I was still able to dig up some left over wool to hurriedly and therefore badly knit a Gryffindor scarf (I certainly won't be entering the scarf in the craft section of the local ag show). Lucky it was still wintery weather.

Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow.

We had lots of happy feedback from the teachers saying what a great Ron Weasley he was and how much fun all the children had ~~with the wand and the rat~~ (oops) playing with the rat and making up spells with the wand.

So now it's Spring and we're dressing for three seasons in one day it's either that or dashing home to completely change one's outfit. It's school holidays between third and fourth term and since Ian is home and the weather is getting warmer we may just take the tent down to a friend's property near Crescent Head and see how Huon likes camping. Proper camping - no power or loos or shower facilities (thank goodness there's a dam nearby), lots of wildlife, no neighbours and clear (hopefully) starry skies. Of course if it looks like rain (like it does today) we could just stay at home and make do with hiring a dvd, playing Wii Sports Resort or go 9 pin bowling......

The Aftermath

2011-01-23T18:10:00.000+11:00

Note the volume of debris high on the beach following king tide

We have been so lucky, so far/touch wood etc, not to have copped the flooding that has occurred in Queensland, Victoria and northern NSW.

Huon in driftwood cubby - built by persons unknown

Nevertherless, the power of water is amazing. We visited one of our favourite beaches today - Hungry Head - and strewn high up the beach was masses of debris. A result of flood waters and a king tide.

Sitting on an example of the large pieces thrown up by the big seas

There were huge pieces of timber and logs - anybody wanting a bonfire for a beach party would have no shortage of fuel. We all had fun exploring the beach - me looking for interestingly shaped driftwood, Huon for shells and stones making sure he was "accidentally" knocked over by the surf (I knew I should have put in a change of clothes) and Ian watching out for photo opportunities.

Today is Ian's birthday and it has been a lovely unplanned, relaxed day. Huon helped make the birthday cake, which means all he really did was lick clean the beaters and bowl and remind me how many minutes were left on the timer!!! A simple salad and fish meal became bean salad, coleslaw and garden salad plus roast taties washed down with raspberry cordial and soda water followed a little later by coffee and birthday cake.

Huon with Grandad

The boys have now gone out to visit Grandma and Grandad for more birthday wishes and a swim.

Dinner will, no doubt, consist of leftovers (and possible another piece of chocolate cake!!!).

Kids

2011-01-15T09:08:00.000+11:00

Just thought I'd share some of our favourite ABC Kids songs.

Huon's favourite fruit is watermelon.

Huon does not like ants.......Especially in the house but he dances to this.

We have lots of snails in the garden, about which I have a similar opinion

This could apply to both of us (we pay Ian not to sing!!!!)

Hope this made you smile.

Flood Update

2011-01-11T10:55:00.000+11:00

Floods are great....in some ways. The feeling of community (always pretty strong here) is increased when we have a flood. There is a feeling of coziness, all being in the same boat together!!

Provided one's house is safe, the power stays on and there are no medical emergencies there is only the inconvenience of not being able to get to work or do one's shopping... ho hum.

Even though the river floods every year, usually only once or twice, most people feel the need to go and have a look (some still in their pyjamas), take photos and be amazed at the change in the river overnight. The sheer volume of water required to change it from lovely serene river to fast flowing torrent is a bit mind boggling.

Anyway, a good excuse to watch one's fave DVDs and eat chocolate cake (um, what happened to that resolution?!!!)

Where did the sun go?

2011-01-10T09:21:00.000+11:00

I love rain, especially summer rain, even if it goes on for days. Without it the days would be swelteringly hot and cloyingly humid, in other words - disgusting. So I'm feeling very grateful.

Thanks to La Nina we are having rain. Lots of rain. So much that Queensland is experiencing major flooding. Down here on the mid north coast of NSW we now have a flood warning on the Bellinger River with levels expecting to peak at around 2pm today. At the level predicted the water will be lapping the deck of the bridge but all that depends on how much rainfall is flowing from the escarpment and how much rain falls this morning. Ian, who works on the other side of the bridge will be watching closely in case he needs to dash home early.

Looking at the south side of Lavenders Bridge

Before we moved, we did not really have to worry too much about flooding, being able to access the town's shops. Now that we are living over the bridge, flooding means we must pay more attention to river heights and predictions so that we can stock up on essential items like loo paper and Earl Grey tea in case we become isolated - we do still have the corner shop which includes a bottle shop (phew).

The upside of being cut off from the world is that there isn't much to do except....party. North Bello has quite a reputation for it's flood parties. Bring it on.

Happy New Year

2010-12-31T14:26:00.000+11:00

This little door was created by a very clever lady, Sally J Smith

It reminds me of another door I came across a few years ago and their little film "A Knock at the Door". I have been interested in doors ever since. Where might this one lead, what treasures hide behind that one and what new friends may be waiting through there.

It is a perfect subject for NYE. Having survived an epic year, I find myself wondering if the coming year will bring relief or just more of same - heaven forbid that it should be worse (let's not get on that train).

Do I bother to make any resolutions given my appalling record of keeping them and if so what should they be? I could definitely be a better friend to my liver; cutting out the amount of cheese I eat, drinking more water etc. My heart would thank me for losing some weight and excercising more . My spirit could do with more meditation and what the buddhists would call "mindful living" although I think "mind-empty-of-rubbish living" might be more helpful.

But I think my resolution this year will be to do whatever I need to do to look after me on every level because it became quite clear this year that (and I know this should be obvious) if I don't I am unavailable to help, comfort or give to my family and friends - and I end up getting sick. So....I resolve to do all the above and be careful what I read and what I watch. I resolve to do my best to avoid vexatious people and situations. Most of all I resolve to do my best to accept what is and not beat myself up if I can't....... Here I sit with raised eyebrows and smirking. Well, we'll see.

2011 will see the Chinese year of the Rabbit and although I have not looked into what this may mean, I am hoping that being a Rabbit it may turn out to be a good one for me.

Having been very Syrencentric, let me now wish you all a very Happy New Year, may we all manage to keep our resolutions and may the coming year prove kind to us all.

Lunar Eclipse

2010-12-28T20:36:00.000+11:00

I know, I know - this is out of order however, given the year we've had it doesn't seem that inappropriate :)

Summer Solstice evening found us (who were interested enough) congregating on the hill above Hungry Head beach. For us it was a spur of the moment decision, for others it was an excuse for a picnic and meeting up with friends which turned out to be a meeting of more friends than expected!!! One very organised person even arranged to bring a telescope, he was certainly popular - especially with the children all lining up to take a look.

Information gleaned from the web suggested that the eclipse would be happening at moonrise but we were all wondering if we would see anything at all given the covering of light cloud on the horizon. Just in case we might be disappointed nature put on a spectacular sunset so, at the moment we should have been facing east, most of us were looking the other way.

The sun had set by the time we saw a hazy thin smile appear in the sky and as we watched the smile grew.

We did not stay to watch the complete unveiling of the full moon as Huon becomes extremely anxious in the dark so as we drove home we continued to watch and by the time we arrived home the moon was wearing a lopsided cap. As I went to bed she was beaming full, bright and gorgeous and I sat on the end of my bed watching her through opened windows serenaded by didgeridoo (next door), frogs, crickets and cicadas.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-28T18:49:00.009+11:00

To everyone in blogworld - although it's already 28th December. Despite problems with malfunctioning ovens, digital scales and unforseen hiccups to the schedule which precipitated moments of intense hair tearing (was Mercury retrograde?) in the days leading up to Christmas, the day itself was lovely. Contrary to worries, the food turned out well and everyone had a great time.

Huon has been enjoying all his presents even if they pale into comparison with his cousins' Wii games. Well, if he wants one for next Christmas it will be the only present he'll receive.

One of the things I really like about Christmas is.... leftovers. I haven't had to cook [seriously] other than cheese on toast and make salads (which doesn't count) for a couple of days and the other plus is that the leftovers taste just as good - must be all the alcohol in the food.

Since Christmas day fell on a Saturday this year, the powers that be decided to give everyone a public holiday on Monday and Tuesday so Ian has really had a chance to unwind. Lucky for him it has been raining so all the things I'd like him to do in the garden are still waiting (sigh). Ah well, this way the hedge trimming will be more satisfying ;)

Lots of holiday reading done and to be doing: The Book Thief, The Secret Life of Bees, Hunting and Gathering, Major Pettigrew's Last Stand. And thanks to my parents-in-law I have the exquisite pleasure of browsing and choosing a book to buy with my voucher to look forward to(this cannot be done with child in tow so must organise babysitter).

Gone are the days of partying all night (at least for the forseeable future). NYE is a quiet and intimate event for us. I'd really like Huon to like fireworks so I could take him to see the NYE display in Coffs Harbour but they terrify him, so there's really no point, in fact it would be cruel to do so. NYE will probably see us sitting at home with a bottle of Brown Brothers' Dolcetto and Syrah watching the (early) Sydney fireworks on TV, recording the later ones at midnight while we sleep so we can be relatively bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5.50am when Huon wakes us up!!!! I wish everyone (however they choose to spend their night) a joyous night, happy and prosperous 2011 and a miraculously hangover free January 1.

Trying to type around cat who insists on sitting between me and the screen and purring loudly.

Happy Mothers' Day

2010-05-10T09:49:00.000+10:00

My boys, both big and small outdid themselves to show how very much I am loved and appreciated.

Although very tired the night before and with my earnest wishes for him to sleep in, alas it was not to be - Little Tree was up at 5.45am. Sigh. (I did manage to get back to bed a little later for a quiet cuppa.) He took great delight in opening my presents for me - a clay pot and flower he had made at kids' club and a lovely pair of bead earrings in just my colour which, of course, I had to wear all day (and probably will have to all week).

Mr I cooked up a magnificent breakfast and by the time Grandmama arrived, midmorning, he was just pulling a batch of apple and cinnamon muffins out of the oven...... mmmmm. Mr I packed up the car and drove us all out to Never Never Creek for morning tea. Unfortunately, I lack the both the talent and vocabulary to do justice to the beauty, peace and serenity of this place so I'll have to make do with photos - very poor substitute for the real thing.

We returned home for an Indian banquet lunch which included my favourite dish of saag bhaji with lots of crispy pappadums.

I received a months worth of hugs and kisses from Little Tree. Those of you who know about autism will recognise just how special this is.

I hope all of you, mums and others had a lovely weekend and that someone close to you made you feel loved and appreciated.

2010-04-28T20:36:00.000+10:00

Gretel was right. Good neighbours make a world of difference. Our second day we were welcomed by Laura next door with delicious gluten free (yeah) chocolate brownies - yum. Maureen is quiet and likes her privacy so we hardly see or hear her and the two young men who moved in on the other side a week after us have, so far, been so quiet I've sometimes wondered if they were home.

We are slowing becoming accustomed to waking up in new rooms, glasses and plates in the "wrong" cupboards, new sounds and discovering what we have growing in the corners of our garden. Gradually we are making friends with the house and it with us. I love the sound of rain on the tin roof, I love the sun pouring into my upstairs bedroom window in the morning. I'd spend all day up there if I could - gazing across the valley over rooftops to the fields beyond. I love the sound of the neighbour's rooster reminding me of my childhood home - even if it's 2am!!!! We have coastal casuarinas planted along the driveway so we are visited regularly by the gorgeous yellowtailed black cockatoos Calyptorhynchus funereus whose cries herald wet weather. These huge birds are truly magnificent in flight. I love being able to walk to the growers market down the bottom of the hill and maybe meet up with friends for a chai and brunch before arranging with them to go out to Never Never Creek for a swim (brrrrr but worth it) which we did a couple of weekends ago (I wonder how much longer we'll be able to do that before autumn turns really chilly).

Do I need to say I am not missing the dysfunctional neighbours we left behind, or the rowdy swimming pool crowds, or the noise from the playing fields, or the constant traffic drone from the main road through town? No, I thought not *smile*.

Cyberspace Withdrawal

2010-03-15T07:46:00.001+11:00

Revel by Autumns Goddess aka Jena DellaGrottaglia

Tomorrow we lose broadband so my morning ritual of checking into my favourite blogs will cease until after we move and are reconnected with a new carrier.

I will miss contact with the wider world but I will also be busy with packing so hopefully I won't miss it too much.

In the meantime, may you all be blessed with happiness.

Moving House II

2010-03-15T07:20:00.000+11:00

This week has been spent sorting and throwing out. How can three people manage to accumulate so much stuff in under six years?

Having to move to a smaller house has certainly made me look at all our things and seriously consider whether we want/need the particular item in question and whether we really can be bothered to lug it to the next place. So as we are clearly not going to have another child (excluding one helluvan accident) I will be selling cot, playpen, portacot and child's desk that Little Tree has outgrown.

Mum has given us a stack of empty animal feed bags and we have filled all of them with rubbish to either be burned or go to the tip. We have a ~~couple of bags~~ several bags of clothes to go to op shops plus toys that are no longer interesting enough to play with. We were thinking of having a garage sale but have run out of time so I will be putting up a list on the notice boards in town and hoping that it all sells. And I am definitely not lugging them to the new house.

Since starting this post I have sorted through every cupboard and every drawer and thrown out so much it's obscene. It feels fantastic to have pared down everything. It's now time to pack and I am now impatient to be on our way.

Gratitude II

2010-03-13T07:39:00.000+11:00

I've said this before but I still find it wonderfull and surprising to find exactly what I need just when I need it. Some would call it serindipitous, some coincidence and some synchronicity. Visiting blogs this morning, the first three each had something to say to me.

This too shall pass.

On this path no effort is wasted.

What seemed like drudgery yesterday is a gift to me today.

Blessings to these people for sharing their thoughts and reminding me of these truths.

Moving House

2010-03-09T08:59:00.000+11:00

gate into vegie and fruit garden

We are moving. Finally, we have found a house that I think we can live in happily. Phew! Of all the houses we looked at this is the only one I did not walk away from in tears.

Since this is such a pretty little town there are very few rental properties and high demand. The house we have found is a long term rental - the owner has stated he has no intentions of ever living there so we shouldn't find ourselves in the same situation we're in now.

Our new house is so different from our present one. It is on the other side of the river for a start and further to walk to the shops (I may have to go out and buy that bike I keep telling myself about). It has been designed to be ecologically friendly and passive solar so it should be more comfortable in the really hot weather. Having said that, there is also airconditioning and a gas heater so I suppose we will have to wait and see. There are two bedrooms upstairs whereas now we only have a single level home. There are two loos so there'll be no more hasty exits to make way for Little Tree. It is on a battleaxe block so it is away from the road - not that it is a busy one anyway. According to all reports the neighbours are quiet. I will not miss our domestic violent neighbours, whose arguments Little Tree is starting to mimic. Or the noise from the public swimming pool close by (lots of loud happy children, aqua aerobic classes with dreadful music, midnight swims by squealing teenagers - you get the picture). The big drawback is that it only has a postage stamp garden, albeit very private, so I'll have to be very inventive in growing herbs and vegies.

vegie garden august 2009

There are some things I am heartsore at leaving. I will miss the garden here, my vegie plot, the reserve below us and the trees beyond. All of which has been balm for my soul. I suppose I'll get used to having less space, at least I hope so, as I don't want to be moving again soon - unless it is to a house we own, then watch just how fast I can move!!! So I may well have to resort to more visits to the beach and walks in the bush to get my fix of open spaces and trees, respectively. The other thing that I don't particularly like is that there are no doors on the built in wardrobes. It looks very messy and is unhelpful feng shui. This may be quite deliberate, given the humidity we experience - with greater airflow around garments maybe there will be less mould. Still, I will be investing in some screens to keep me calm.

visitors in the reserve

The other big hassle is that our communications carrier no longer can provide service to us. It's a long story about line rentals and new cabling blah blah blah and I won't bore you with it. Suffice to say we have to transfer our phone and broadband to another carrier but keep a dialup arrangement going with our current carrier for 12 months. We may be without both phone and internet (how will I cope without blogsphere?!!!) for a couple of days over the move - thank goodnes for mobile phones.

This all sounds quite melancholy, which in part is true but I am also excited. I will have a lot of fun setting up the new house and rehabilitating the neglected garden, replacing dead herbs and putting in some flowers as well as sorting out where to place all our pot plants, which include a cumquat and a couple of frangipani trees.

We will hire a truck for the day and a number of able bodied friends have volunteered to help. In turn we will reward them with a hearty meal for lunch and a few beers at the end of the day. Not too many for us though since we'll have to go back and clean this house and I really don't fancy doing that with a hangover.

climbing rose in the courtyard

Our landlord sounds unique in that he, quite sensibly, is happy to spend money fixing things sooner rather than later. In addition, he also seems quite open to discussions about any improvements to the property. I am sorry to say that I find I'm reluctant to believe this.

Since starting this post, I've discovered that there is a community garden within walking distance, so maybe my gardening at the new house will be reduced to herbs and flowers.

Now that we know where we are moving to, I have made up a social story for Little Tree about moving with photos of the new house, a map and calendar so we can countdown to moving day. He is very anxious about it at the moment but by the time moving day comes, having read the social story everyday, hopefully he will know what is going to happen, his role in it and that everything will be alright.

coffee tree

Today we will start the process of sorting and throwing out before we start packing. I can hear the whip being cracked as I write.

Gratitude

2010-02-11T12:39:00.000+11:00

Today I'm feeling blessed, humble and so grateful for friends both in blogspere and elsewhere. I'm feeling so lucky to have so many supportive people in my life at this point in time. We've had offers of help in moving and friends are keeping their eyes and ears open for anywhere appropriate.

Thank you especially to Bo for his blessings - hugs and wishes for abundant happiness. Also to Adam Goddard who went to a lot of trouble digging around for a piece of music I'd requested. Adam, I have had the piece on repeat all morning - may your week be filled with wonderful, blissful surprises.

Apologies if this gushing is too much.

Avatar

2010-02-11T12:02:00.006+11:00

I am a fan. I have seen it twice now and hope to see it once more before it finishes at the cinemas. We had a choice of seeing 2D (cinema is closer) or 3D. I'm so glad we chose 3D and drove those extra few k's. I have not been so moved and awestruck by a movie since seeing Star Wars IV (now I'm showing my age!!!).

I loved the environmental message. All Lovelock devotees would have appreciated the huge nod to Gaia. I am in awe of the artists that came up with such a heartachingly beautiful world - I admit I cried at times. I did not enjoy the battle scene at all but I suppose not only did it get "bums on seats" it also served to magnify the difference in outlook on life between the Na'vi and the greedy western mindset. It certainly was anti-corporate and anti-military. I'd be happy to watch a "documentary" about the Na'vi - you know, a year in the life of... type of thing, just to see more of the flora and fauna and the connection the Na'vi have with their world.

Anyway, loved it and my movegoing experience from now on will be measured against this so, chances are, I'm in for a lot of disappointment. Having said that, I am looking forward to Alice in Wonderland in 3D.

Letting Go

2010-02-11T11:09:00.001+11:00

Wow. Such a lot seems to be happening at the moment.

The older I get the less I like change. I used to revel in it and look forward with excitement to the new. Then around my Saturn return I made huge changes in just about every aspect of my life, I did those things suddenly and in a state of shock - locking away my old life in a separate place within and cutting off that person I was. Now whenever change is happening I always view it with suspicion and fear. Those unresolved issues are now coming back to bite me and I feel I'm living in a echo of that Saturn return. So the time has come to gently acknowledge, own and integrate those memories and experiences and move into the next phase.

The week before Christmas my mother became too ill to look after herself so having arranged for someone to look after her place, we picked her up and brought her back here to convalesce. Let me set the scene for you - she is in her early 70's and owns 10 steep acres. On it she has numerous goats, sheep, chickens, two dogs and one cat. She has lovely landscaped gardens around the house and all this she looks after on her own, my Dad being deceased for many years now. In addition, she is also involved in music, mah jong, buddhism, local organic farming group, teaches buddhism at the local school and volunteers. Mum has finally acknowledged that it is all too much for her and has decided to sell up and move to something smaller. I'm finding it very hard to see her living somewhere else - she always said the only way she would leave was in a pine box. The farms that she's owned have always been a sanctuary for me and I will grieve for that loss of space and peace where I don't have to worry that I'm trespassing or that I will be bothered by strangers happening to wander into the same space. All this did have a silver lining - Mum was with us for Christmas and through to the new year which was very special, especially for her and Little Tree.

Since starting this post, we have also been given notice to vacate this house. Our landlords, who have been very good to us, have now retired and wish to move down here from the big smoke to be closer to their daughter and granddaughter. Oddly enough they want to move into their house!!!! So we are now on the lookout for a new home in a scarce rental market. I would, of course, love to buy and I've seen just the house but the bank would just laugh at us with the deposit we have or more to the point, don't have.

Some really good news is that, after nearly ten years, Little Tree is now eating something other than pancakes with spreads/toast with spreads and fruit. He has, for the last two weeks, eaten vegies, nut loaf, lamb, lentil burgers, pasta, fried rice, baked beans, dried fruit. Wow! This is a HUGE milestone and I've been doing little celebratory dances every night. You have no idea how concerned I've been over his limited diet and the lack of nutrients he was getting.

Last year was difficult, laying the foundations for change, this year seems to be one of moving into those changes. So I've put my wishes out there into the universe, let them go and now we'll see what the universe can come up with.

Life is far from boring, that's for sure.

Blessings to everyone for 2010.

Balance

2009-11-29T12:03:00.000+11:00

Nature likes balance and that's just what she's doing. After all the floods this year, nature is now providing us with hot sticky days and teasing us with afternoon clouds that any other year would yield storms and rain - cooling the ground and air and making it more comfortable to....just be alive. As a result our nights are broken - first it's too hot to even be under a sheet, then a little later I pull up the sheet, then a bit later a light blanket but after a while I'm too hot again so the process begins all over again. On top of this Little Tree has a nasty cough which may or may not be a virus/may or may not be whooping cough (which is going around) and we've had hardly any sleep for the last three nights. Oh..no..um..of course, the kettle belongs on the bench not the pantry and bugger I just tried to rinse out the full bottle of fragrant oil not the one containing just a few drops - well at least the bathroom smells nice *apologetic shrug* and why isn't dinner cooked? oops...helps if you turn the stove on.

Is it any wonder that someone only had to look at me yesterday for me to morph into some hideous monster, as likely as not to bite off your head and spit it out at your feet then walk away looking quite satisfied. As dear friend Rachel says - tiredness is evil. It changes normally happy, agreeable people to foul creatures that, even though we have no reasonable right to complain, can't help but be horrible to our undeserving partners. And this is exactly why I DO NOT like Summer here. Spring is perfect and Autumn is gorgeous. Winter is refreshingly cold without being icy but Summer sucks - the beach is only an option early or late unless one enjoys heatstroke. The river is a better option - one can find shade - however with all the dairy farms around and the runoff we've had.....well, need I say more?

As I write this a strong wind from the hot parched inland west has picked up, rattling the doors and windows, so even though it's a hot wind the air movement provides respite. And my darling husband has taken Little Tree to visit his grandparents (they are happy to accept responsibility for their exposure to illness) so peace and quiet reigns. And now I've had my little rant I think it's time to put the kettle on.... if only I can remember in what obscure place I left it this time.

(couldn't resist this image :-)

Razzle Dazzle

2009-11-22T18:46:00.000+11:00

An incredibly creative friend of mine and a couple of her friends are putting on a fashion parade next Saturday and they've asked me to sing for them. Well no, sorry there is no piano. Oh, okay then it will have to be something acapella.

I'm singing Handel's Silent Worship which people may remember as a duet in the film "Emma" between Emma (Gwyneth Paltrow) and Frank Churchill (Ewan McGregor). So nothing very demanding or strenuous.

Even so, I should be rehearsing it but trying to sing in this weather ends up feeling like I've spent too much time in the sauna.

Mustn't Grumble, But....

2009-11-21T16:03:00.000+11:00

We have people in our area that are claiming for flood assistance following the 5th major flood this year.

Yet today is melting hot and I feel two sizes too big for my clothes and the sweat is trickling down my back - yuk! The sky is clear and blue except for a slight haze caused by the humidity, the soil is already parched and beginning to crack and the lettuce seedlings have died. There is not a trace of rain or storms on the weather bureau's radar and the only place to be comfortable is sitting directly in front of the air conditioner. I put washing on the line an hour ago and it's dry already even with the humidity. It's these kind of days that have me wondering what sort of insane person chooses to live here.

(It's even too hot to do this)

At least complaining of the heat is distracting us from time to time from the latest in the Drama Queen saga that is causing so much stress to Mr I and consequently the rest of the family. Let's just say that if I ever consider working for a management committee, I hope someone will quietly take me to the nearest psych ward and leave me there. This has been going on since May and looks like it's approaching crunch time. But I keep thinking that. This year has been like one of those soapies where things just keep happening and it gets to a point where it's no longer tragic but hilariously funny because by then you're thinking okay, what on earth is going to happen next - bring it on, I'm curious to see how imaginative the script writers can be.

It was just after one of these events that I was sitting on the verandah shaking my head in dazed and bemused wonder that it suddenly struck me that life is really a role playing game and we have all just chosen our characters and walked onto the board and then become so dazzled with the play that we've forgotten we're not actually the characters and the board is just our chosen plane of existence. So when I realise I'm getting too identified with the play and I feel I'm going to go mad and all this cannot be happening, I watch my breath and sense how my body is and remember that all the stuff happening is just content and that I can choose to step back. At least, at the moment I'm managing to do that. I might have to work harder if the game becomes horrible rather than merely grim.

In the meantime I'm buying lottery tickets in the hope that should we win enough Mr I can give his employers the you-know-what which will take care of one headache at least.

Here's hoping that 2010 will be a more comfortable year for us.

Literary I am Not

2009-11-09T12:11:00.000+11:00

Before we went away on holiday, I called into our local secondhand bookstore and walked out with, among other things, James Joyce's Ulysses. I have heard so much about this book for years that when I saw it I thought I might see what all the fuss was about. No, I did not take it away with me - not totally silly. But now I am wondering if there's such a thing as Ulysses for Dummies. LOL

A Long Time Coming

2009-11-09T11:46:00.002+11:00

We're back.

We have just returned from spending a glorious week relaxing (read collapsing) at Angourie Rainforest Resort in Yamba on the north coast of New South Wales. A mere two and half hours drive from home. It was so peaceful and quiet it made me realise just how noisy it is at home. A very big thankyou to Holiday Coast Respite and Action Support - without them it would not have been possible.

(phew, such a long drive!!!)

This was our first family holiday since Little Tree was a baby - that's eight years! Our reluctance to try earlier was directly related to L.T's inability to cope with new places and our unwillingness to cope with his distress while supposedly on holiday (under these circumstances - relaxing and holiday - mutually exclusive terms).

Given the success we've had using social stories as a support for events that I know L.T will find challenging, I rang the resort and asked if they would kindly take photos of the property entrance, office, pools, playground, games room, exterior and interior of the actual villa we had booked. I must admit I was unprepared for the willingness to help shown by the resort staff - I know this sounds crazy but I was so grateful I cried when I hung up. Reiko was great - she sent exactly what I needed. I drew up a social story for L.T incorporating the photos using Powerpoint and we read through it every bedtime for about two weeks. As the time came closer I wrote it up on his weekly calendar. I was still apprehensive but needn't have been - he was excited and couldn't have been better behaved on the drive up. We took the social story with us so he could look at the photos and match them to reality. My undying gratitude goes to Kris at DADHC for showing us the magic of social stories.

(Yamba headland. North and south break walls in background. To get to North wall you need to catch a ferry or drive 20 minutes to Iluka)

It was the best thing we've done for ourselves in years and going through term time rather than school holidays (fewer people at the resort) was inspired. I really liked Yamba with it's many waterways to enjoy - estuaries, harbour and beaches not to mention some great boutiques. Apart from sight seeing and just a little retail therapy, Mr I and Little Tree spent many hours fishing while I lazed around reading novels or enjoyed having the huge pool almost exclusively to myself. Little Tree especially liked the children's pool and we had trouble getting him out when other children were splashing alongside him.

(Collecting stones on Pippi Beach, Yamba)

The highlight for me had to be the 3 hours at the day spa mmmmmm yum. As suggested, I arrived an hour earlier than my booking so I could use the steam room and therapy pool and thoroughly relax before being led to the treatment room and pampered with body brushing, ocean wrap, scalp massage, sweat wrap, facial and body massage. Heavenly! I floated out of there more relaxed than I've been in years and smelling gorgeous. I am hoping that we'll be allocated a respite package again next year so we can go back.

(Tranquil view from villa patio)

I had arranged for my sister-in-law to come in and feed the goldfish and Shu-Shu. When I heard that there had been another flood at home (fourth one this year) I was a little concerned (but not for long) that she may not have been able to get in - I was determined not to think about home or worry about anything and I was remarkably successful. We came home to a very happy-to-see-you-but-don't-you-dare-go-away-again [gentle bite and swipe with the claws while purring] cat. The fish did not do so well (scene from Shrek II - dead fish floating in bowl) - I can't blame my sister-in-law, I had already lost one fish and was crossing my fingers the others would be okay. Obviously I need to give the tank and everything in it a thorough clean before I buy new fish.

(Close up)

Mr I had arranged to have an additional week off so we were able to spread that feeling of holiday mode a little further with walks on the beach (I walked, Mr I went beach worming).

(Late afternoon North Beach, Mylestom)

So now it's back to school and work and I get time to blog and catch up singing and knitting (although I did take my knitting away, all I managed was 4 rows - reading was less energetic, hehehe).

Unmasking Autism

2009-10-19T07:02:00.000+11:00

The local Autism support group hold an annual fundraising ball. The organisers spend much of the year planning it.

They held an auction for celebrity items, a silent auction and this year they sold treasure chests disguised as noodle boxes for $10 containing either a trinket or a treasure. Apart from the auction and a few items in the silent auction all items are donated. Some of the treasures were worth quite a lot such as a resort holiday. I was outbid in the silent auction but I did manage to win two open movie tickets in my treasure chest.

The group runs other fundraising activities throughout the year but this is their primary event. They are trying to raise enough to buy land and build a purpose built centre. As Coffs Harbour is about half way between Sydney and Brisbane it would save many people an expensive and stressful trip to either of the cities. The centre would house a library, diagnosis/assessment rooms, lecture theatre, meeting rooms and play area.

My dress is a silk chiffon, lace and felt creation by local artist Leonie Watson. We made our own masks - so they don't look quite as smart as some worn by others. The majority of the feathers were donated by a Wompoo Fruit Dove that flew into the window of our previous home. It seemed a shame not to do something with the beautiful feathers.

More info and photos here.

Playing Tourist

2009-10-16T14:26:00.000+11:00

Recently we had a visit from my cousin Sarah and her husband Paul, from England.

The last time I saw her was three years ago when she was here on business so it was only a brief visit. This time they stayed for three weeks. It was so good to have them here and Little Tree took to them quickly, insisting that he and Paul spend hours over his sticker book and giving as much cheek back to Sarah as she gave him - "Yeah, wha' are you like, Sarah!"

So apart from days spent on our sunny verandah talking, drinking tea and eating way too much food, it was a good excuse to play tourist in our region. So here are some snaps....

Coffs Harbour

Coffs Harbour Marina

Whale watching

Pet Porpoise Pool

Butterfly House

Dorrigo National Park

Life immitating art.....

Finger Puppet Show.....

Dangar Falls

Shearing at my Mum's

Local Eastern Grey Kangaroos

This may be the last opportunity they have to visit, although they say they intend moving here just as soon as they win the lottery!!!! Goodness only knows if I'll ever get back. Even if funds allowed it, it would be a miracle to get Little Tree onto an aeroplane and I couldn't go without him and Mr I as it would not be worth going back unless I had at least six weeks there and I would find it too hard to be away from them that long.

Things to keep the boredom away

2009-10-16T08:32:00.012+11:00

Well, let's see there's....

Caterpillars.....

and Peacocks......

and Snakes....

(waiting to dry so it can be painted) Little Tree keeps popping outside to check that snake has not slithered away or been eaten by a hungry kookaburra.

or cooking pancakes.....

And when all else fails there is always Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.

The Return of Saturn (ish)

2009-10-08T08:53:00.010+11:00

Such as inconstant blogger am I.

Here we are in school holidays again and I wonder how the time can fly so fast and yet seem so ponderous.

This year has been decidedly Saturn returnesque. Our confidence on so many fronts has been shaken and it has been a year of questioning, searching and discovery and a realisation of our own mortality.

Mr I has been hit hardest with a brother needing a liver transplant, a father with a kidney tumour (which the experts think is benign) and most recently the death of a loved uncle in a head-on collision. Add to this stress caused by a mentally unstable staff member at work making bizarre complaints and you have more than enough to be getting on with. I have been dealt health problems to work through including an ongoing gut problem for which I do not have results yet. And I thought I had been doing all the right things for a coeliac.

Yet out of darkness comes light. Having my ideas about myself and the world shaken up has led me first to fear, anxiety and despair and having dwelt there until I've had as much as I can stand, I've moved on to an openness to life and a reaffirmation that this planet, at least, is primarily about creation (and don't get biblical on me unless you want a raspberry blown in your direction). I mean there is so much energy out there that is supportive of creativity whether that it is through biological reproduction or artwork in all it's various forms or the loving company of good friends and family or the gentle everyday work of being a keeper of the hearth, wife and mother.

I love blogworld - there are so many warm, intelligent, artistic, creative, funny people out there and all have touched me at one time or another with their humaness (if there's such a word). I thank every one of them for what they have unknowingly given me.

I am making tentative and cautious steps back into the world, not entirely trusting (as I naively was, a long time ago) but tremblingly braving the risk of hurt to feel alive again.

Hurrah for all the wonderful potential in each human.

Time Warp/School Holidays

2009-08-27T18:27:00.013+10:00

I'm writing this completely out of order. But life can be like that (not to mention my mind!!!).

Anyway, back oh a year ago (or so it seems) in the middle of July we had midyear school holidays. My Little Tree was perfect - even with a cold for the first week (wow) and I didn't want to send him back to school.

We have a holiday planned for later this year. Our first holiday for eight years. Our little autistic son would, in the past, have been far too anxious and distressed for us to consider it. Whenever we want to do something or go somewhere different or if we have people coming to visit, quite a lot of preparation has to be done or we face a meltdown. We have a laminated A3 page that is a weekly calendar and each week I write up the major events such as school, gym, OT, excursions, visits from family or friends etc. For events that I think are guaranteed to send him off the planet I go a bit further e.g. recently we started seeing a new occupational therapist, J. Little Tree is familiar with the hospital but not J or the rooms where she works so I requested that she email her photo and of the rooms. Using these tools I was able to get Little Tree to happily enter the rooms and work with J. Without these I would expect him to refuse to go through the door and any insistence would lead to panic and his withdrawal to a place I can't reach. To any observer unaware of his condition this would appear just like a tantrum of a spoilt child.

(This is Little Tree's calendar for this week. Yes, he has another cold - courtesy of his Dad. Where a change of schedule is required we cross it out and write the new one. When he was younger all this would have been pictures.)

With all this is in mind and to introduce him to sleeping away from home, something he hasn't done since he was a tiny baby, I decided to spend a couple of nights at Grandmama's (my Mum). So for a week beforehand I went through the plan on the calendar. Little Tree is very familiar with her place so we automatically overcame one obstacle. Once it was dark outside he asked to go home - my heart sank, my stomach clenched and with crossed fingers and girded loins I reminded him that we were sleeping there. He was a little nervy but we managed bath, teeth cleaning and bedtime story with no problems. He fell asleep pretty quickly and would have stayed asleep until morning if one of Mum's bloody dogs (Dalmatians) hadn't decided to give one of the local swamp wallabies a good barking to. I should explain that we live close enough to town to have noise from neighbours and traffic whereas Mum's place is in the middle of 10 acres, a little less than half of which is bush and her land is surrounded by other like properties. So it's quiet, really quiet. Any noise bounces around the valley like it's being played through an amplifier. Little Tree naturally woke up to this canine outburst and called for me. Damn. It took less than an hour to get him back to sleep - a huge improvement on the 2 hours it would have taken a couple of years ago. The second night was almost a carbon copy of the first so by the time we left to return home I was beginning to reacquaint myself with sleep deprivation.

He loved the days up there though. We spent a lot of time kicking a "soccer" ball around between us - what is it with boys and balls (and let's keep it clean)!!!! He also had to follow Grandmama to the veggie patch whenever she went out there, he wanted to help feed the goats but their horns frightened him too much. His favourite thing to do, by far, was to feed the chooks and collect the eggs.

Our next step is to have him sleep over at Grandma and Grandad's (Mr I's parents).

My hope is that with enough preparation we will manage a relatively relaxing resort holiday. I am so-o-o-o-o looking forward to my three hours at the day spa while the boys go fishing.

Tick, tock

2009-08-19T13:48:00.015+10:00

Oh my goodness, time has flown.

The season has changed. Hurrah. Well not officially and I was sure it had turned quite some time ago but now the sun is proving it. (I was trying to capture the sparkle of sunlight through the glass but the camera did not quite get there. I really must learn how to take better photos too.) What a bleak and seemingly long, dark winter it has been. I cannot begin to tell you how my spirits are lifting with the return of the sun. We are having the most beautiful spring weather. Much as we try to squish our Australian climate into the eurocentric idea of four seasons, in reality it just doesn't work that way. It seems to me we have more like 6 and possibly there are more for someone more sensitive.

At the risk of losing vegies to late frosts, I have begun planting vegies, various lettuce, kale, bok choy, silverbeet, spring onions, snow peas and basil, rocket, continental parsley. Next I want to put in some coriander before it warms up too much and it bolts to seed. I have managed to pick 2 strawberries already!!! However further chances of that happening are greatly reduced as a possum seems to have discovered that, clever as thought I was being, lo there are strawbs to be found among the flowers! I have heard him/her growly cursing out there in the evening. Drat. Postscript: Did I say late frosts? We've just had our hottest August day on record. Phew!

Most of all this spring I want to plant lots and lots of colourful flowers. The daughter of the house owners (who lived here before us) had begun to set up the garden along permaculture lines - lots of productive plants but few flowers. We have tried to maintain it as such. In a system where everything hopefully has more than one purpose, I'm not sure that flowers for the sake of flowers are entirely "allowed". But this year I'm putting my foot down - I'm having flowers just to look at and enjoy. They will however bring bees and other predators into the garden so maybe I can get away with it. To this end I have already planted daisies, jump-up-jacks, polyanthus, pansies, primulas and marigolds. I had alreay planted a chinese lantern shrub and white heliotrope. I need to go back to the nursery and part with more money because I've decided that there is still room for more flowers.

Oh, and I have found my singing voice again. Sometime at the end of last year it decided to go. Well, not literally, I could sing but my feelings of joy in doing so had completely vanished and I was beginning to wonder if they would ever return. But here is the sun and after some deep work on old hurts, I feel a toxic cloud has lifted. Having found a new path on which to set my musical feet I am singing again along with the birds who seem to echo my enthusiasm for this season of renewal (If for a somewhat different reason - wink, wink).

Even though it may seem an odd time of the year to begin knitting - that's exactly what I'm doing. While staying with her over the holidays Mum and I went through all her patterns looking for the woollen cape I know she has...somewhere. We didn't find it but I did discover a book by Liz Gemmell called Knitting for your Home which has patterns for knitted floor rugs. We have a sofa - the original fabric is torn (I mean to recover it some day when I'm feeling more courageous about my ability) so we threw a loose cover over it and now with all the rough treatment from the two boys that in turn has torn on the seat part. At the moment I have placed a cot blanket crocheted by Mum for Little Tree but... and now comes the point I'm trying to make - I have taken a pattern from the book and am in the process of knitting up squares that will eventually be sown together and used as a throw. Here is a photo of the first three squares and the fourth in progress. No, unfortunately it is not wool. For ease of washing I have chosen acrylic yarn.

Happy Birthday to me.

2009-07-14T08:37:00.013+10:00

Sunday started clear and cold but by the middle of the day we were stripping off our jumpers and sitting on the verandah soaking up the glorious warm sunshine. Even better, it was my birthday.

We had a quiet day, just Mr I, Little Tree and my Mum with a trip to the in-laws later in the afternoon. Little Tree had to be reminded to wish me happy birthday but having started he kept wishing me a happy birthday for the rest of the day (smile). Both boys put up streamers and balloons and Little Tree helped cook the meal and of course couldn't wait to eat the cake.

My favourite gift was the camera that took these photos. However I haven't yet read all that it can do. With a bit of practice maybe my camera skills can improve.

A Wet Winter Solstice

2009-06-21T07:08:00.008+10:00

I am grumpy today. It is raining again.

We were going to celebrate the Solstice today but with a house full of sick people, we will have to postpone it. Little Tree has a nasty cough and cold and Mr I has picked up a tummy bug from somewhere (let's hope he doesn't share it).

I have bought tickets to a film and feast night organised by our Local Food Network. The film is called "Grow Your Own" and sounds very entertaining. But first will be the feast made entirely of locally grown organic produce. Yum! Entertainment by a local band. So that will be my celebration.

This winter has been the wettest I've known here. We are meant to be in our dry season now. Yet the ground is soggy and squelchy as it has not had enough time to dry out from the floods and the air smells foul. The seedlings we put in months ago are struggling and many plants who have an aversion to wet feet have given up the ghost. Our terraced garden out the back resembles paddy fields and I'm sure everyone in this region would join me in shouting "We are sick of the rain". It must seem very unfair to other parts of Australia where they have been experiencing drought for years. To all those people in this area that are visualising abundance - STOP! Please.

In spite of my grumps, wherever you are, dear readers - I wish you an enjoyable solstice.

Blessings to you all.

Masterchef Reject

2009-06-18T16:11:00.014+10:00

For weeks I have been reading the blogs of women who seem to be able to cook the most amazing food for their families or quickly run up a set of clothes for their children. So feeling pleasantly domestic and hoping to acheive a similar satisfyingly homey outcome I got out the appropriate paraphenalia. I now wish that, for the short period of time I spent at a particular school attending compulsory Home Economics classes (yes, they even set tests), I had paid close attention instead of yawning my head off, wondering how on earth this was relevant to me and dreaming of being just about anywhere else.(I only lasted 6 months at that school - I begged to be sent to a far more sensible school that thought cooking should be an elective, if anything, and where I could indulge in...oh my gosh, real subjects.)

Mr I once told me of the uncanny ability of the cooking staff at his Uni college to take clearly recognisable and palatable ingredients and turn them into the most unappealing meals. One such, he and his fellow collegians chose to call Chicken Trainsmash.

Hence the title I give to the outcome of abovementioned culinary adventure - a dessert I choose to call Apple and Sultana Trainsmash.

Little Tree was excited about helping me cook a new dish. We started out peeling, coring and chopping apples for stewing. This went quite well although Little Tree did get quite frustrated that the peeler would work for me but not for him. And decided after much trial and error that it would be better if Mum did that bit. He liked cracking the egg and mixing all the ingredients for the dough and was very helpful in instructing me how to use the rolling pin.

Having rolled the dough to the correct thickness and having spread a layer of stewed apples and sultanas over the dough - we proceded to the next step in the recipe book which was to roll it all up and slice into 7 or 8 segments. Had this worked we would have ended up baking something like this.....

Fate intervened. The dough started to stretch and stretch, stick to the floured surface and the fruit started oozing everywhere. At which point Little Tree stated quite categorically that "Mummy is eating that " and definitely not himself. Trying unsuccessfully to rescue everything I eventually decided I had two choices - throw the whole lot in the bin and leave it to more experienced bakers or to pick up the lot and dump it into the greased cake tin and cook it anyway. Well, being someone who hates to waste good food, I chose the latter while thinking that maybe it would still taste okay even if it no longer looked anything like the intended dessert. This was the result....

Having tasted it (very chewy) I know why the book calls for caramel sauce. Anyway, I made a quick call to Mr I to pick up some cream and crossed my fingers that I could at least make a decent caramel sauce.

In hindsight what went wrong? The dough was too wet - "add water to make a soft dough". What is a soft dough supposed to look and feel like? Obviously an assumed level of knowledge was required. The stewed apples still too warm ( I did wonder at the time) and next time, if there's a next time, I will roll out the dough on paper to assist in the rolling up. And maybe I'll stick to singing and shop at the bakery - that way we'll both be doing what we've spent years training for.

Evolution, Wise Friends and Nebulae

2009-06-18T09:41:00.012+10:00

I can't believe we are halfway through the month already.

Little Tree is home from school at the moment with a nasty cough and cold. So we have train set, colouring pencils, puzzle books, toy cars, blocks and plastic animals from one side of the living room to the other. Making it somewhat of an obstacle course to get to bookcase/TV/stereo/sofa or just about anywhere. Apart from the sniffles and coughs and wanting to go to bed earlier than usual, you wouldn't know there was anything wrong. He maintains his usual happy, playfull, energetic self which is just delightful. I would find it distressing if he turned into a demanding, sulky, miserable child - that would mean he really was seriously ill.

I was recently lent a book called "The Mayan Calendar and the Transformation of Consciousness" by Dr Carl Johan Calleman. I found it fascinating in many ways. Not least of which the idea that my impression of the speeding up of time is not that I'm getting older but rather the increasing frequency of creative events occurring now (and has been increasing since "the big bang"). The idea that we are on the verge of moving away from the dualist mind to unity and co-creation seems to go hand in hand with the move by so many people this year (including me) to find a new path or approach to life as the old one no longer seems relevant.

Isn't it funny how things come to you out of the blue that support your journey.

Wednesday last week was one of those days when a quick walk into the village turned into a three hour sojourn into wisdom. Firstly, I bumped into a friend and her daughter and was invited to join them for chai. Daughter spoke about a dream and Simone, while trying to help daughter interpret it, reminded me that if I find my life not to my liking at the moment, the obstacle/s to finding it otherwise are in my mind. Later I bumped into another couple of friends who were talking about the holographic universe and how we are connected to everything else but our dualist minds cannot see this. Having left them to their shopping, I quickly came face to face with another friend who helped me reconnect with the truth that I am (as we all are) much bigger than the life in which I find myself . All these interactions put everything into a broader, deeper and richer perspective and I walked home feeling more profoundly "true" than when I left. That evening I found, quite by accident (or was it?), a programme on SBS called Cracking the Colour Code. It talked about colour and how we are able to see colour. What really touched me was the images of stars and nebulae and the knowledge that I am made of the same stuff. So there I was sitting on the sofa in profound awe knowing I am materially and energetically connected to those stunningly beautiful nebulae.

On another note. Last night I watched the second half of an interview with Sir Ken Robinson, an expert in creativity and innovation, speak about how we are letting our children and our society down with our current education system. He advocates a radical review of the system in order to nuture creativity in our children. To enable them to find that place in themselves where interest/talent/passion intersect and to support them on their unique educational journey. This does not happen with a standardised curriculum and assessment system and where different modes of learning i.e. visual, auditory or kinesthetic are ignored. Where maths, sciences and languages have more status and quite often more funding over humanities, art, music, dance.

I'm hoping to obtain a copy of his book "The Element: Finding Your Passion Changes Everything". I would love to find an alternative education for Little Tree. Unfornately, independent schools do not get the same level of funding for aides as government run schools and Little Tree needs an aide or I would have liked to see how he managed in the Steiner system. If I thought I was up to it, I may have considered home-schooling - provided he was able to socialise often with other children being home schooled. I just think a lot more lateral thinking and creativity could be used in teaching these special needs children - something further on which to ponder.

Love and blessings to all on your unique and wonder filled journeys.

First Day of Winter

2009-06-01T12:43:00.005+10:00

This is what I like about Winter - the skeletal frames of unclothed trees, accessorised only by filigree seed chandeliers yet to be dislodged by the wind.

Winter greeted us with a shower of rain this morning and given the frequency of floods over the last months I started feeling a little paranoid. However, the clouds parted and for a little while - long enough to walk into the village shops and back again - we had lovely sunshine. So, in honour of Winter I have included a poem written by fellow blogger Mark Williams.

Charm for a garden at the end of Summer

This hop-lapped vessel
a green lion
fiercely prowls.

Man-legged, leaf-shanked one,
hear! Stride bone-shards,
smoke-briars,

repent your sway
of moss and fern.
Cast off your herb-pelt

and with your roar, shiver
this sealed alembic:
let outside in utterly.

Call pear and apple,
bid them bare their breasts
to wasp's bite. Call swallows

to stitch up the wounds
with thread of shadow. Call night,
call winnower, eat ashes

and underglow. Set down clay too
for you, death,
bread's sunbrowned echo.

Pigeon and blackbird, hush.
Hold the curved silence
you remember from the egg.

O blood, thicken in the vein
sink down. O root beneath,
sing for the frost lode.

And Now For Something Entirely Different

2009-05-23T09:29:00.013+10:00

Not!

Well, so much for my wishful thinking. It is still raining but the creek has receded. I've checked the Council website and we are still cut off in all directions. The river is now at moderate flooding levels rather than major and the radar shows that the rain should be clearing if somewhat reluctantly. We were still trying to wake up at 7.30 this morning when a helicopter (SES or RFS from the markings)landed in a clearing not far from here having made a couple of good sweeps over the area, no doubt assessing damage. The last two floods we were subjected to a barrage of media helicopters landing and taking off for days. But this time they are visiting Grafton, Lismore and Kempsey where flooding is a more infrequent occurrence.

We had planned to visit the local agricultural show so Little Tree could visit the baby animals, watch the wood chopping and the horse events but with all the flooding it has been cancelled. Luckily we had not put this event on his calendar before the flood warnings or we may have had some issues trying to explain the change in plans.

Our cat Shu-shu, or Shuey as Little Tree calls her, has the right idea - she's presently curled up on the bed. And spoilt cat that she is, I'm not going to disturb her by making the bed or trying to photograph her. So here are a couple of photos I took earlier - much earlier (note the sunshine). I never seem to be able to get a shot with her looking at the camera.

So another day of cooking and painting and singing practice - if Little Tree doesn't get too distressed. (The singing isn't bad, it's just loud!!)

Water, Water, Everywhere...

2009-05-22T16:44:00.009+10:00

And you wouldn't want to drink it.

Here we go again. We are now experiencing our third major flood in as many months. So yet again Little Tree is home from school and Mr I came home early to avoid being stranded.

Please excuse the quality of the photos - they are from my phone as our camera has packed up.

Above is the small reserve at the bottom of our garden. The creek has clearly broken it's banks.

Right is the path that runs alongside the creek below the reserve.

Much to my surprise, we still have power. Very strong winds have accompanied this lot of rain and at this very moment I can see the weeping bamboo being whipped around and the trees bending and can hear the roar of the wind in the tree tops - I hope that if any trees come down they kindly miss the house.

Little Tree has amused himself with Thomas the Tank Engine and perusing the latest Thomas Yearbook and pointing out which engines, trucks or accessories he wants next. So far in order we have Diesel, Hector, "coaling plant", Oil Derrick and no doubt he will come up with a new request to add to the list before the end of the day. He has also been painting and listening to his favourite CD - Children's Christmas Carols!!!! Well, at least we are closer to the correct season for it.

Hopefully, we will wake up tomorrow and the wind will have dropped, the sky will be clear and sunny and we can start cleaning up the mess.....again.

Journeying

2009-05-01T09:35:00.010+10:00

There must be something in the air this year. Everyone I know is journeying. Whether they're taking off to the Kimberleys for six months, or taking a trip around Oz, starting something they've never done before, moving house, dying (!!!) or journeying inwardly - which is where I am.

I started this year thinking that something had to change - that I could not continue to approach the world in the same manner, as it obviously was no longer serving me.

I was even disatisfied with my singing. I pulled out of concerts and exams as I found my heart was no longer in it - at least not to perform in the traditional way. Images of Red Priest and Corvus Corax came to mind and my imagination ran wild as to the type of performance I'd like to be a part of. The importance of all that has been dislodged for the time being by this inner journeying. And I'm really surprised that I'm not feeling distraught. I feel I'm putting things to one side in order to make space for something new.

I've been trying to find that real place in me beneath or behind all the facades and roles I play in order to feel I fit in and am acceptable to the people I'm with. I want to practise stepping into my skin or stepping into life. In the odd moments I can do that - usually when I'm on my own - I've been feeling a peace and contentment that is just.....bliss.

It doesn't seem to matter how much reading or listening I do - without the correct key, it merely remains knowledge rather than understanding. And I feel I'm only just beginning to get a mere glimmer on a subject I thought I understood. Ah well.....just call me Shrek!! (You know, "Ogres are like onions - they have layers.")hehehe.

Birthday

2009-04-24T09:23:00.011+10:00

There are only 5 days of school holidays left and I'm feeling guilty taking more time out to blog.

Yesterday, with sun shining brightly, we took down the streamers and balloons from Little Tree's birthday party. We'd left them up for a week which given the dull grey rainy days has given the house a cheery feel. I tied all the balloons together to make a giant colourful grape bunch. He's been having a lovely time running with them trailing behind bumping into the wind chimes on the verandah, needless to say some of the balloons have since burst - much to his amusement.

His favourite presents were, no prizes for guessing, Thomas the Tank Engine track and Bill and Ben engines to add to his already extensive collection. His next favourite present was a book called "My cat likes to hide in boxes" because "The cat from Brazil caught a very bad chill" which apparently is absolutely hilarious which in turn has us laughing which has him laughing and we end up with tears on our faces and aching tummies.

There is no point trying to have the kind of party for him that I once imagined we might. One with friends and fairy bread, party games and singing happy birthday. He would just run away screaming and shut himself in his room. He let us sing happy birthday for the first time on his 8th birthday ( I was so happy I nearly crushed him with a hug) so this year there were no problems and even a big smile.

Grandma and Grandad came as well and Auntie S Uncle A and their 3 girls, exchange student Poy and Mr I's Uncle David and Aunt Maggie. Little Tree coped very well with the influx of people (especially since he knows them all very well) and since everyone was happy to comply with instructions not to touch his track he was very happy.

Being unconcerned with convention, he was loud in stating he was tired and wanted to go to bed (earlier than usual) - before the candles had been lit, song sung and cake cut. Not wanting to risk a quick descent into sensory overload meltdown, I chose to leave my partially eaten dinner to bring out cake with candles lit and coax him into the midst of birthday guests to blow out candles with as much spit as puff - oh well!!! The chocolate birthday cake was enjoyed immensely, evidence of which was smothered all over his face!!!!

Then it was bath, story and sleep...come on, sleep... please, just close your eyes - that's it.....(door slams) bugger! Breathe. Everyone left soon after Little Tree went to bed and the washing up and generally cleaning up had been done - bless them. So with a quiet house he did finally drop off to sleep and I could reheat my meal and enjoy birthday cake, undisturbed. mmmmm lovely.

We might do something quieter next year - a picnic perhaps.

Dolls, Clocks and Painty Mess

2009-04-14T08:01:00.011+10:00

Two blogs have recently prompted me to get in touch with my creative and artisitic side. Lorell makes the most gorgeous dolls straight from the pages of fairy stories. Rima is a nomad travelling around UK in a converted horse box and paints the most exquisite images.

Autumn always turns my focus inward. Instead of wanting to be outside adventuring and socialising I feel more like staying at home and being creative whether that's cooking, spinning, knitting, felting, painting or gardening.

So the other day, during a brief respite from the rain, Little Tree and I went into town to visit one of our favourite shops, Soul Weaving. It has everything a Steiner child could want including watercolour paints and quality paper and brushes. I haven't painted with watercolours since I was a child so it's going to be interesting to see what happens. I don't suppose I'll be happy enough with the results to post them here, then again I might just surprise myself. So far all I've done is started to sketch the picture I want and to experiment with washes and effects - but already I can see that this is going to be a lot of fun.

Gosh, as I write this, the sun is trying to peek out from behind the clouds for the first time in days - woooohooo!

Tickle Tank

2009-04-13T17:52:00.005+10:00

Or - Tickle me pink, it's a tank house!
I'm in awe of the creativity of Irene, who turned a concrete water tank in a horse paddock into an amazing home and garden. When I eventually have a home that belongs to me and not someone else, I hope that I can be as creative as this. Here is a link to the ABC's Gardening Australia episode that features this remarkable home.
Next time I visit South Australia, I plan to visit while it is open to the public - armed with camera.

Water, Mud and Moods

2009-04-13T11:28:00.016+10:00

Well, it's raining again, or should that be - still.

We had a flood in February, which the media made a huge fuss over and a "one in one hundred year" flood a couple of weeks ago (see left) which was much more deserving of the media attention. I know this sounds terribly cynical but the only reason I can think that the first flood received such attention is that at the time bushfires were ravaging Victoria and Queensland was having floods so of course, not to be outdone, NSW had to come up with something equally newsworthy. (sigh)

Although our house was safe, we were cut off from everywhere. Little Tree had to stay home from school for three days as the bus couldn't get though, which pleased him no end. The river came up so fast and stayed up longer than I've ever known it and the creek below our house came to within 2 feet of the garden. Mr I arrived home three and half hours late having driven the long way home in order to find a semi passable road - lucky he wasn't later or he would have had to return to the office and slept there!!!

This is why he couldn't get home....

And.....

We were without power for 24 hours - the house was so peaceful and quiet without the hum of electrical appliances and I couldn't help but smile surrounded by lantern and candlelight. Having lived in this area for little while now, we are used to having to rely on our gas camping stove for cups of tea and cooking etc. when there's no power due to storm/flood/fruit bat tangled in wires.

We lost mobile phone reception for a while too - lucky the landline still worked. Mr I, being Manager of a local communtiy service organisation received a call from one of our Councillors to check on a constituent's 90 year old Mum, so we put together a thermos for her and Mr I drove out there and was able to report back that mum was doing fine. There were lots of other stories of strangers going out of their way to help others - pity it needs a disaster to bring the community together. When we could get into town our little supermarket was running out of food - a lot had to be thrown out due to the power cut and the all the roads further out were still cut so no deliveries could be made.

The Pacific Highway was high and dry but access roads from here to our town not so lucky.

In other times it would have been quite exciting but I wasn't able to convey the problem of no power and my inability to fix it to my autistic son who was getting very distressed that he couldn't play his favourite DVDs or the computer. And during the night we had to get up to make sure a tealight candle was still burning in his room in place of his nightlight. So, it was with huge relief to have power restored and consequently a return to a happy boy.

A number of fences, roads and bridges in the area are still washed out. And drowned livestock, boats and other debris are being cleaned off the beaches. And it's still raining...

(photos courtesy of Bellingen Courier Sun)

Summer

2009-02-09T09:42:00.002+11:00

It is the most glorious summer morning. I can smell the scent of mock orange blossom wafting through the windows on the gentle breeze. The windchimes are softly dinging and donging. The garden is full of butterflies and birds. The wattle birds are feasting on the grevillia flowers and the firetail finches and fairy wrens are playing chasey through the hedge and bushes.

It's going to be a hot one today - 31 degrees. I'm so glad I'm not living in Victoria with their 46 degree heat and murderous, obliterating fires. Later I'll shut up the house and turn on the air conditioner hoping that I won't be causing actual bodily harm to anyone. It seems that not just one but two fat healthy (at the moment) Green Tree Frogs have decided that there's no better place to live than inside our airconditioner. We started out with just one but apparently it's so nice in there "the one" invited a friend. We have attempted to relocate them but given past experience I expect them to return today or tomorrow. The fan makes the most horrible clunking noise as they try to remove themselves from harm's way. Of course when that happens everyone dives for the off switch and the household goes into search and rescue mode. Then its -"Screwdriver"...(thunk).....(grunt, strain, stuggle)..."aha".... "plastic bowl" ...(thunk)....."perforated cover"... (clunk). Sigh of relief knowing that we not about to get splattered with pate de frog.

Maybe, if there is still a breeze this afternoon, I'll put up the hammock under the tree and doze - did I say what a glorious day it is?

Revenge

2008-09-19T08:02:00.003+10:00

Recently, I was prompted to think of the books and movies I turn to when I need comfort, like when I have a cold/flu or I've had a stinker of a day. Most of the books or movies are romantic stuff like "You've Got Mail" or "Sense & Sensibility" etc but one film that came to mind later was "A Knight's Tale" with Heath Ledger. I mean who could forget one of opening scenes - medieval audience of jousting getting down to "We will rock you" or the meeting with a naked Geoffrey Chaucer - great writer, terrible gambler!!!!

Then just the other day I remembered another old friend - this time, music. The teenage boy next door decided to play his oh so droll, wouldn't know talent if it hit him on the head, music, loudly enough to be heard up and down the street. Now the door from our living room to the garden is very close to his downstairs "pad" - so being really pissed off after about 30 minutes of this "noise", I opened the door turned my stereo right up and gave him a serve of "You Shit Me To Tears" by The Tenants - twice. Great, great, great song. Did I mention how much I like this song? Good dance tune too. I was able to let him know exactly what I thought of his manners as well as his taste in music while dancing and singing all the anger out. Being the thick skinned type, it did not seem to make any difference to him but I felt so much better afterwards. Hah!
Lyrics as follows:

There's a little man & he sticks in my mind
He's a pain in the arse & seems to find
Every bone in my body with an axe to grind
And all I've got to say about it

You shit me to tears
Am I making this clear
Just give me a break
For fucks sake

He's got a big car and he drives real fast
But you can't see where you're going
With your head up your arse
His voice is kinda muffled cause it's full of shit
And all I've got to say about it

You shit me to tears (etc)

My, little Dougie (insert appropriate name) how you've grown so tall
You've grown into a painfull know it all
I'd like to shove your head into a barbed wire fence
But you'd probably tell me all about it....

You shit me to tears (etc)

As you can see, this one is for those times when one either wants to hit the offending person or run screaming with rage through the streets pulling one's hair out. The first will get one arrested and the second, committed - so the above revenge fits quite well. My reputation with my other neighbours may have suffered but some things are worth it. (Smug, self satisfied smile)

Sisterhood

2008-09-12T09:20:00.003+10:00

I dreamt of the Morrigan last night. I had asked them for help in banishing something. In the dream I asked them again. They scolded me saying "It is done" then when I attempted to thank and praise them they scoffed at me and told me "Praise is not required, we did for you, sister." while they held my face. I woke up feeling a little shaken to be called sister by these women. This is the first dealings I've had with The Morrigan, that I'm aware of anyway. I don't really know much about them, so I'll have to do some research and see if the stories match my impression of them.

The Darling Buds of September

2008-09-08T14:21:00.012+10:00

After a horribly cold winter, (We had 5 consecutive frosty mornings! And ice on the birdbath!That never happens here. Well obviously it does now - but it's not supposed to, being on the cusp of a subtropical zone) the weather is finally warming up. I'd take down the blanket over the curtains that was intended to keep in more warmth except that the mornings are geting lighter and until daylight saving starts at the end of October, I don't really want to be waking up at 5am or earlier. I'd noticed about a month ago that the season had changed -there was something a little different to the quality of the air. It took another week to be certain and finally the proof has arrived.

The maples all have new leaves and the sycamore(ish) tree (not really sure what it is) has baby leaves a week earlier than last year. Herbs that I allowed to self seed are pushing their delicate green leaves out of the mulch and my mind is turning toward planting the vegies I want this summer.

It's funny (not really) but over the weekend I heard about the floods in South Wales and here in New South Wales on the mid north coast we had ours on Friday. The bridge over the river that runs through the middle of town went under. There is always a scramble by those living northside, before the Council closes the bridge, to get emergency supplies (candles, batteries, food, toilet paper!!!) - as they only have a small corner store on their side - and they are never quite sure how long they will be flooded in.

Last year, a little earlier than this, we had another flood and so much rain that a landslip occurred between the house above us and our property, partially destroying the retaining walls separating the two. It has taken over a year for the Dept of Community Housing (who are responsible for the other property and for one reason or another legally responsible for the repairs) to start work of demolishing the remaining retaining walls and rebuilding. In fact, for the last fortnight there hasn't been a worker to be seen. The lower wall had been nicely cleared away and they'd dug a trench for the footings and then disappeared leaving a huge pile of clay soil and what amounted to an unsecured 6 foot trench between the upper retaining wall (yet to be demolished) and the walls of our house . Now along comes torrential rain and lots of it. Waterfalls flowing over the bank and washing the clay soil into the lower garden, another section of retaining wall collapsed and water gushed between the the horizontal slabs of the remaining now 6 ft unsecured retaining wall (about 1 and half metres from house). You can understand why I was a little nervous. My poor long suffering husband donned his dri-za-bone and using sleepers from the collapsed wall braced the remaining panels of retaining wall. phew! Having been notified of the damage to their excavations the workers have deemed it unnecessary to turn up today, Monday, to inspect the damage. Mutter, mutter, mutter.

Anyway, today is glorious. Birds everywhere! There are a pair of pardalotes attempting to nest into the nice new soft bank eroded by the rain. I've been trying to discourage them, assuming, perhaps optimistically, that work on the retaining wall will recommence soon. Just the other day not one but two male Regent Bowerbirds with their brilliant yellow and black plumage showed up in the wild tobacco trees (that I've allowed to grow in the garden) with their mates and the King Parrots have been coming in to feast on the pigeon pea flowers. Why would anybody spend time indoors when so much is happening outside? Me, obviously, because I'm writing this but not for long. Here I go. Signing out to go sit on the verandah and bask in the warm sun. Blessings to all.

Euch! Don't touch it.

2008-09-08T12:58:00.006+10:00

Australia has traditionally had a culture where men do not shake hands with women upon introduction - which is more than a little unsettling for someone who comes from a culture where it is expected and not to do so is seen as insulting.

Now why don't these men shake hands with me? Is it because they think they show me respect by keeping their distance? Perhaps it's never occurred to them that by shaking my hand they may show me the same respect they show my male companion. Maybe they are so immature that they are unable to conceive of touching a woman in any way that does not mean a precursor to sexual intercourse or.... are we women all so scary that they "don't have the balls" to look us in the eye, shake our hands and acknowledge us as someone worthy of their (nonsexual) consideration?

What about those that do shake? Fortunately, with the growing numbers of professional women in the workforce, shaking hands between genders is becoming a more frequent occurence. Most men, I'm happy to say, are able to manage a proper firm handshake.

But what is the handshake by the fingers all about? Is it.... "oh my god, I have to touch her hand, how do I do that again?" or "Shit, my grip is so powerful, I wouldn't want to crush her delicate bones". Whatever courtesy is meant by it, it most often gives the following impression - of finding some malodorous, disgusting object and without the benefit of surgical gloves, having to dispose of it. So, holding it by one's fingertips, one frantically looks for the opportunity in which to divest oneself of said offending object. Which may be, for all I know, exactly how he feels. Now, if it's the first reason then my response is - quit being such a lilly livered twit and just shake. If it's the second then for "fucking, fucketty fuck's sake" (thanks Bo for the quote) boys, these bodies evolved to give birth, your handshake is not going to have us fainting away in agony. If however, the idea of skin to skin contact via the hands is so disgusting then for crying out loud - don't bother even trying because either way, you're going to offend me.

Not that I imagine anyone who needs to read this will acutally end up reading it. But it certainly has made me feel better writing it.

More Life

2008-07-31T11:45:00.003+10:00

After a short (thank goodness) but particularly debilitating episode of anxiety and grief I began to fall into the depression pit. I did not want to go there again. A friend helped me stop the descent. I had been looking for The Truth, the one unalterable, unchanging Forever Truth. And I found a truth. At least, a truth for me, at the moment and even maybe a part of a bigger truth. I am yet to find out.

After the phone call, I took myself outside armoured with jumper, coat, woolly hat, socks and boots and armed with a hot water bottle. It was a cold, clear, still, Saturday night. Still, except for the party up the road and the hoons with their cars racing either into or out of town. I sat at the top of the steps leading to the garden from the verandah, attempting to keep my attention on body sensation, breathing. I reached out emotionally to the life around me and I realised (a light bulb moment) that everything that anyone does from the drunken parties to long hours of work to whatever - we are all grasping for, trying to create, experience, more life, more living. Everything is striving toward life, more life and I was a part of it. I was really connected to it - in the flow of it. The concept of connection to all things became the experience and it was beautiful, soul-filling and deeply peaceful. It has been a very long time since I felt a part of life in that way. My emotional state did a complete flip.

Since then, I have read a novel called "Shantaram". In the book, a character talks about his theory that the universe is moving towards ever increasing complexity and to the Ultimate Complexity and this seemed very much to strike a chord with the experience I just had. Nothing is static - everything is moving towards more. We may not, at times be acting on that impulse in a constructive manner (use or abuse of drugs, alcohol, reckless behaviour etc.) but it seems to me that consciously or otherwise that is the underlying motivation for what we do - in whatever way we want to define life or an aspect of it.

I have the opinion that everyone's spiritual path or lack thereof is unique and highly personal for the reason that, like my experience above, a realisation or idea may be quite profound for one person but the next person may merely shrug and say "Well, duh". So, I sometimes wonder how useful or appropriate it is to share our spiritual experiences since no-one is able to share exactly the experience we have and thus perhaps to not fully understand in the same way but what the heck - here it is.

Birthing

2008-06-03T09:23:00.003+10:00

A friend recently held a blessingway for her 2nd child and each of us were asked to present a poem or prose or a gift from our hearts. I chose to speak of my own experience - I don't know if I can do it justice as I'm not really a wordsmith but here goes.

Even from the first contraction I felt a sense of being a part of something greater than myself. Participating not just in the birthing of my child but touching that ancient and eternal birthing that is everpresent throughout the universe. Each clutching of muscle a magnificent push with the very hands of the stars guiding its progress. Each breath that of the universe helping, soothing, giving life and giving Life to each moment. Then there was the moment, the minute, second standing in the bedroom next to the birthing pool when I surrendered to the glorious, beautiful actions of my body and I knew the universe watched in excited anticipation, the stars showering me with encouragement and blessings. For every birth is special and worthy of celebration and every tiny particle of the universe rejoices with the mother. Was it hard work? Yes, I'd never worked so hard in my life. Not for nothing is it called labour. Was there pain? No, only great discomfort which I welcomed as a purposeful midwife to the wonder-filled, heart overflowing, brutally gentle, magnificent, triumphant process of birth.

Yes, my son was born at home. I was not offered and did not want drugs of any sort. And minutes after Ancient Tree was born, Mr I asked if I was up for the next 5 children and without hesitation I said YES. Let the bright seraphim.....

Diva

2008-05-05T16:53:00.004+10:00

Well almost.

The concerts went much better than I expected given the limited amount of practicing done by some members of the choir. We performed Mozart's Mass in C Major, an incredible work considering he was only 17 when he wrote it. We also performed Beethoven's Chorale Fantasy - a majestic piece. Renate was brilliant on the piano. Sunday's performance was so much better than Saturday's and my solo in the Beethoven was the best I've done it. You know when you have those moments when everything just works and its gorgeous - the singers, the orchestra, the piano all coming together like one breathing organism and the music just flows and I felt like I was flying, soaring and all there was was the music and the audience may as well not have been there!!! And then the orchestra plays it's final chord, the momentary silence and suddenly I'm back there thinking, gods, where did that come from, was that really me sounding like that? Or was I suddenly possessed by some long dead diva. Holy shit!

I'm still walking a few inches off the ground.

Ah well, I've had my well deserved day off from all the hard work. Tomorrow it's back to Mozart's "Exsultate Jubilate" and Handel's "I know that my Redeemer liveth". And digging out "Let the bright Seraphim" from the vault for the next concert.

Talking of Dreams....

2008-04-24T08:55:00.003+10:00

Last night I had another of those dreams.

I was in a first floor apartment, the window open to a warm balmy evening.The type of windows that are hinged at the side and open outward, no wind out mechanisms, no sash windows. No fly/mozzie screens on the windows either, so obviously I was not in Australia!!!! On the wide treed and grassy strip down the middle of the road a jazz band was playing and there is some kind of celebration going on. Party lights twinkled in the trees and the old gas style street lights were on. I was packing for a holiday/journey.

I am doing a favour for an old boss (a lifetime ago) working in the office at the golf club. Ony the office in the dream isn't the office in reality (of course not!!!). Next thing I'm back in my real job (only it isn't) with artwork and papers strewn over a huge table in front of me and I'm ringing my old boss to see how he's doing and he says "Your duties are here" to which I reply "I have a job already". Then I'm back at the golf club office which isn't the office and I'm peering through the window and there is a bedroom in there all neat and clean with pink linen and lace, an antique dressing table and a white cot (empty) and I thought how weird that someone was living there (even though no one was around). So I walk back along the verandah and I see Ancient Tree waving at me through the window of the clubhouse, big smile on his face. I go to him and we hug and laugh.

Next scene, I am revisiting a place where I am well known and everyone has come out to say hello including the whole Court, complete in medieval costume and jewellry (yes, well, hmmm....). During my stay there, after someone commented that the prince and one of his friends look alike, I realise with a shock that they share parentage - when they shouldn't (gasp, tut tut).

Then I am in a room off the side of an old stone church used by Rotary (what the .....?) I am given a prophecy card (huh?) by the president of the local Rotary club where I actually live.( I should mention that I am not a member of Rotary but do know they have a four point ethical code something about truth and service and I know the president through the local steiner child care centre.) At first the black scrawl on the card means nothing and I say I'm going to need a book to translate it but as I look at it the writing becomes English though not written in straight lines and not in even handwriting. Along and aroung the edge there is writing saying that a knight will discover a threat to Australia and the name Tsvangarai is written and I think - what the hell has Tsvangarai got to do with Australia?!!!! [You tell me].

Anyway, next thing I know I am getting ready to embark on the boat home or onwards, not sure which. This boat is a wooden river boat. Again the whole Court is there to farewell me. I am standing aside with a a person who is a member of the Court but not - a fringe dweller like a jester might be (?in this world but not of this world). This person is non gender specific but I think of them as him but there seems to be some confusion. This person takes off their amulet/badge of office and places it over my head. It seems to have a druidic symbol on it. At one point in gets stuck on my hair but eventually is placed round my neck. I feel honoured and humbled. I hug this person and weep and weep and weep. I ask when I will see him again and am told "not till your death." After which I walk to the boat and.....wake up!!! (Damn)

Wouldn't it be great to be given episode two the following night? Never seems to happen though.

2008-04-21T15:54:00.000+10:00

Why argent?

Not too long ago I had a dream. (Mr I, who never remembers his dreams, loves to hear about mine, they are always so weird and quite often wonderfully mythic and epic in nature.) This particular dream centred around the question of "who am I?" To cut a long story short, a "guide", for want of a better word, I cringe at the thought of using "angel" with its sickly sweet new age insinuations, told me I was looking in the wrong way or to the wrong people and proceeded to place before me list of words, of which, the only word I could remember on waking was argent, a word hitherto unknown to me. Naturally I made straight to the dictionary to see if the word actually existed (you never know with dreams!!!) and lo.....

argent: Heraldry silver; silvery white. I just wish I could remember what else was written on that list!!!

In what way that partly answers my question.....I tell you when I know.

2008-04-21T09:53:00.000+10:00

I was doing some pondering on a newspaper article of the pope encouraging world leaders to either be moral or promote moral values or both. My immediate thought was that it would be better to be ethical. Then I wondered about the difference between the two and....

Morals:

Motivation based on ideas of right and wrong (definition from WordWeb)
1a. concerned with goodness or badness of human character of behaviour, or with the distinction between right and wrong. b. concerned with accepted rules and standards of human behaviour.... (The Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary)

Ethics:

Motivation based on ideas of right and wrong (definition from WordWeb)
1.The science of morals in human conduct. 2a. Moral principles; rules of conduct b. a set of these (medical ethics). (The Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary)

But I don't know about you but these things seem quite different from each other to me. After all, on what do we base our ideas of right and wrong. Morals seem to come from a Christian based culture whereas to me ethics are better stated as conduct that harms none. I suppose from an academic point of view this would seem quite simplistic an argument. And I don't want to get bogged down in suppositions with regard to the law of the land or hypothetical situations. I want to talk about choices that individuals make with regard to their conduct.

Whilst reading Jay Griffiths "Wild: an elemental journery" earlier this year, I was appalled to learn that there are still Christian missionaries in search of uncontacted tribes in South America to "spread the word" knowing full well that when they do so they will bring death and disease to these people. Now they may feel morally correct in doing so but their conduct is far from ethical. According to Griffiths conversion leads to a rendering of these tribes connection to their environment which results in depression, suicide, drug abuse. Apparently this is all okay because when they die they will be received into heaven. Has anybody yet identified the location of this place?!!!! I feel heaven (or hell for that matter) are what we make of our lives depending on the choices we make.

Recently, we had a change of government from what I and many considered a very small minded Liberal (an oxymoron if ever there was one)/National coalition to a Labor government. The previous government had refused to make any apology to the indigenous stolen generation however one of the first things the new government did was to formally say sorry, openly with no excuses, justifications or qualifications. It was a beautiful moment in our history that took a lot of courage given the possible legal ramifications. (Let's hope this government continues to act as morally and ethically.)

Given the panic over the peak oil issue, I can understand why an oil dependent country may wish to invade and control an oil rich country. They may even think they had moral grounds to do so but ethical?

To look at ethics in the broader sense with regard to big business and the community is to open such a can of worms that is just too big for me to consider here.

Do no harm! I started to consider the ways in which we do harm. There is the most obvious - physical, emotional, mental. The immediate thought is of harm done to others but how many of us think of harm in relation to ourselves? The most insidious form of harm coming from our thoughts and attitudes. For anyone who is interested, I suggest looking at Dr Masaru Emoto's idea in his book The Message of Water or researching psychoneuroimmunology.

Hmmmm.......

Here I am

2008-04-20T11:50:00.000+10:00

Well here I am wondering where to start.

I have some peace at present. Mr I and Ancient Tree have gone out for a drive - it's school holidays and Ancient Tree has been getting quite bored - not being allowed to play outside in the rain. Where's the fun in that?!!! Mr I and I are also getting quite bored with Ancient Tree's imitation of various characters from "Shaun the Sheep" - birthday present which has been played ad infinitum.

Oh great! It seems we are to be subjected to the overly loud p.a. system from the nearby oval entertaining us with the questionably interesting goings on of this afternoon's football (rugby of some form) match. Rather it was Yvonne Kenny singing Handel - any Handel!!!! Time to shut the windows and doors and crank up the stereo.

Yesterday's rehearsal of Mozart's Mass in C Major 'in honorem Sancitssimae Trinitatis' left me exhausted. With only one rehearsal to go before performance we should not be having to help people who still have not learned the work properly. Who was it said "The difference between an amateur and a professional is that an amateur practices until they get it right a professional practices until they can't get it wrong." ? I hope our audience won't be expecting anything close to a professional performance. Well I did it for the experience of choral singing - I've learnt my lesson. I'll stick with solo or ensemble work from now on. One person who will sound superb is Renate Turrini. We are also performing Beethoven's Chorale Fantasy. I only wish we'd been able to sing it in German as the English is execrable.

That's it for now. Mr I and Ancient Tree are home.