Thursday, July 31, 2008

More Life

After a short (thank goodness) but particularly debilitating episode of anxiety and grief I began to fall into the depression pit. I did not want to go there again. A friend helped me stop the descent. I had been looking for The Truth, the one unalterable, unchanging Forever Truth. And I found a truth. At least, a truth for me, at the moment and even maybe a part of a bigger truth. I am yet to find out.

After the phone call, I took myself outside armoured with jumper, coat, woolly hat, socks and boots and armed with a hot water bottle. It was a cold, clear, still, Saturday night. Still, except for the party up the road and the hoons with their cars racing either into or out of town. I sat at the top of the steps leading to the garden from the verandah, attempting to keep my attention on body sensation, breathing. I reached out emotionally to the life around me and I realised (a light bulb moment) that everything that anyone does from the drunken parties to long hours of work to whatever - we are all grasping for, trying to create, experience, more life, more living. Everything is striving toward life, more life and I was a part of it. I was really connected to it - in the flow of it. The concept of connection to all things became the experience and it was beautiful, soul-filling and deeply peaceful. It has been a very long time since I felt a part of life in that way. My emotional state did a complete flip.

Since then, I have read a novel called "Shantaram". In the book, a character talks about his theory that the universe is moving towards ever increasing complexity and to the Ultimate Complexity and this seemed very much to strike a chord with the experience I just had. Nothing is static - everything is moving towards more. We may not, at times be acting on that impulse in a constructive manner (use or abuse of drugs, alcohol, reckless behaviour etc.) but it seems to me that consciously or otherwise that is the underlying motivation for what we do - in whatever way we want to define life or an aspect of it.

I have the opinion that everyone's spiritual path or lack thereof is unique and highly personal for the reason that, like my experience above, a realisation or idea may be quite profound for one person but the next person may merely shrug and say "Well, duh". So, I sometimes wonder how useful or appropriate it is to share our spiritual experiences since no-one is able to share exactly the experience we have and thus perhaps to not fully understand in the same way but what the heck - here it is.